"Ahhhh..."

"Uhhh Janeeee..."

"Shhiitt aaahhhh.."

I heard Arvin's voice but I can't see him. Kahit saan ako lumingon ay hindi ko ito makita.

"Arvinnn.." tawag ko sa kaniya. Napatigil ako, bakit parang pa ungol naman yung boses ko?

"Yesss Jannneee, ahhh say my nameee" sabi nito.

I slowly opened my eyes. Wtf?! Nagulat na lang ako na nakapatong na pala ito sa akin.

"Good morning" sabi nito tsaka niya pinasok yung titi niya sa loob ko.

"Ahhhhh!!!" Kunot noo akong napa-ungol.

"Shiiittt, you're so fucking tighttt" bulong nito sa tenga ko.

He was moving slowly while kissing my ear. Fuck! He knows that my weak spot.

"Viinnn, uhhhh" ungol ko.

He take it as a sign and then he moves faster. Pabilis ng pabilis, I can now hear the bed squeaking. Hinawakan niya...

Thursday
9:41pm

Dear Diary,

It's been a week now since dumating si uncle James, isang linggo na rin na may nangyayari sa amin. He always visit in my room every night at sa mga gabing iyon ay naangkin niya ako.

I can't help but to have pity on myself. Laging sinisigaw ng utak ko na dapat ko ng ihinto na pumayag sa gingagawa niya sa akin. But I can't, nadadala ako sa bawat pag haplos niya sa katawan ko, nadadala ako sa bawat pag supsup niya sa mga utong ko, sa bawat hagod niya sa aking pagkababae. Nadadala ako ng libog!

I haven't had a chance na maka-usap si uncle James sa pinaggagawa niya sa akin. We never had time alone para mag usap. Pag natapos naman kami sa pagtatalik ay agad niyang hinuhugot ang titi niya sabay bihis tapos ay aalis na.

Kaya napag desisyunan kong kausapin si uncle James kanina dahil aalis si daddy at bukas pa ng gabi ang balik.

Pe...

Dear Diary,

It was late afternoon kanina nung dumating si uncle James sa bahay. After two years hindi pa rin nagbabago ang mukha niya, gwapo pa rin. Matangkad, makisig at maalaga sa katawan kaya hindi halata na medyo may edad na. When our eyes met he smiled at me, I was caught off guard kaya napayuko ako at nagtungo sa kusina.

I was still wearing my PE t-shirt and pants kanina kasi kakauwi ko lang din galing school. Pagdating ko sa kusina ay naghugas ako ng kamay at inilabas ang mga lulutuin ko. Maghihiwa na sana ako ng mga kailangan ko when my dad inform me na kakain kaming tatlo sa labas at inutusan akong umakyat na sa room ko para makapag-ayos.

Nakapagligo at nagpapatuyo ako ng buhok habang iniisip kung ano ang aking susuotin. I didn't know what got me pero gusto kong magpasexy that time. After makapag-ayos ay bumaba na ako sa sala. I saw uncle James looking at me from head to toe, parang hinuhubaran niya ako sa titig n...

Tuesday..

Dear Diary,

It is past midnight already, yet here I am, my eyes are still wide open. I can't sleep. I am thinking about what my dad told me earlier. Uncle James, his friend, will going to stay in our house again. I am trying so hard to hold the fear that running into my veins while we were eating dinner.

Uncle James is my dad's best friend since they were in high school, same school din sila nung college. Kahit na noong mag asawa si daddy ay patuloy pa rin ang communications nila. Since I was 2 years old, kilala ko na si Uncle James. Mabait, malambing at gwapo siya. Pero until now wala pa ding asawa. Daddy and him are in the same age, 43.

I still clearly remembered when I was 18 years old, the day after my debut, I was in my room at that time. It was late night pero gising pa din ako kakatext kay crush. Bumukas ang pinto ng aking kwarto, dali-dali kong tinago ang cellphone ko sa ilalim ng unan...

It's been already a week now since I moved here in my new place. I smiled, "my new place" up until now I cannot still believed that I am actually living here. The living room area is huge, it has those one big window glass. I am in the 14th floor and the view is just amazing. I never expected na may ganitong view pala sa lugar na to.

Although, I knew that all of this are temporary, but still. It has only one room but boy oh boy kasya yata isang buong team ng basketball player sa loob sa sobrang laki. When Arvin is not around, I sometimes sing so loud! Wala lang, feel ko lang.

*phone beeps*

"I'll be late" text ni Arvin.

I pout. Oh no, not again. It's 7 in the evening and the last thing that I ate was just s burrito. I sigh. I guess tawag na lang ako for food deliveries.

After kong tumawag ay napagpasyahan kong maligo muna. Matatagalan daw yung food dahil sa ulan and traffic. Great! Just my luck. Bumalik ulit ako sa kitchen para i-ch...

After agreeing on the proposal ay dineposit agad ni Arvin ang pera sa bangko ko. I immediately paid my landlady and other bills, thank God nakabayad din ako. Right now, I am moving out. Yes, you heard that right, Arvin suggested that I should move malapit sa place niya. Hindi na lang ako nakpagtalo, total mas maganda din naman doon sa lilipatan ko hindi pa hassle sa transportation. My phone beeps.

"Everything is settled na doon sa bagong lilipatan mo" text ni Arvin.

"Okay, thank you. If you like dito ka na mag dinner later, total last day ko na dito" reply ko sa kaniya.

After niyang umagree ay nilagay ko na sa box ang last set ng mga damit ko. Yun lang naman yung dadalhin ko, the rest of my things ay iiwan ko sa landlady ko. I gazed at my apartment one last time at napangiti ako. After deciding to be independent ay ito yung unang naging tahanan ko. It wasn't east at first, dito ako umiyak ng umiyak when everything was falling apart, di...

Arvin's assistant emailed me last night to inform me that he wants me to be in his office at 3 in the afternoon so I am on my way now. It's been 5 days since the last time I saw him, iniwan niya sa akin yung file about sa information ng buhay niya. I've read it, twice actually, I am still confuse and l got some questions. The whole pretend-girlfriend-thing is insane but I can't just dismiss the fact that I need the money. I know there are still a lot of ways to provide my needs but I am running out time, my landlady keeps calling me since yesterday. I sigh, I honestly don't know what to do.

I look at the file one more time, his full name is Theo Arvin Wilson - 32 years old, he studied and graduated abroad. He has 3 siblings and he is the youngest, his parents are still around. He is the current CEO of the Wilson Corporation, he move in the Philippines 6 months ago and just year and a half ago he got divorce. Binalik ko sa folder yung file and press the buzzer, sa ka...

*phone ringing*

"Hello?" sabi ko

"Jane?" that husky voice again. Bigla akong kinabahan, huminga muna ako ng malalim bago sumagot.

"Yes, who's this?" I said as I close my eyes and hold into the bedsheet so tight, I tried so hard to be calm.

Narinig kong tumawa ito.

"Arvin, from last night" sagot nito.

"Oh... yeah, I remembered..." I actually don't know what to do or even say. Should I be casual? Or should I pull the amnesia drama? Act cold, like it wasn't a big deal? Oh! How can I even do that? I mean, right now, last night was as clear as the sky outside!

"Jane?" Sabi nito?

"Uh-mm, ehem* yes? Yes, what is it?" Nauutal kong tanong.

"Haha, I was asking if we can meet this afternoon?" He asked.

"Oh.. uhmm.." and once again, my heartbeat is racing. Wtf?! Sinipat ko ang orasan sa bed side ko. It's already 11:50am.

"Uhh.. ye-yeah sure" I answered

He told me the...

Sometimes I wonder how it feels to have everything. Yung tipong di mo na poproblemahin kung ano yung pwedeng mangyari. No! Sigaw ko sa akong isipan habang umiiling. I can get through this, I have to. Huminga ako ng malalim at tiningnan ang phone ko.

"Girl, meet you at the bar later at 8. It's Kyla's birthday" - text sa akin ni Rose.

I sigh. Well, maybe it's a good thing, besides my mind is so full right now. Kailangan ko munang kalimutan yung problema ko at mag celebrate sa birthday ng kaibigan ko. Oh by the way, I'm Jane, 25 years old. I'm just an ordinary girl who makes poor decisions in life and this is my story.

I sipped at my coffee one more time, tumayo at umalis na ako sa coffee shop. Tumingin ako ulit sa aking phone it's already 7:30 pm. Naisipan kong umuwi muna para maligo at magbihis, besides nagugutom na din ako. Yes, birthday party ang pupuntahan ko later but it's a bar mabubusog lang ako sa alak for sure.

Nakar...

One morning they asked
Why I always shut my door and wears a mask
I stared blankly and didn't say a word
They assume I am a loner and a nerd
The truth is, I am scared and terrified
That once I open the door and let someone in
I'll let them get a piece of me that I always hide
I'll start showing my true feelings
And when they are satisfied and happy
They'll leave and forget about me
So let me stay here and don't open the door
Please go away, there's nothing I can give you anymore...