Posted in Blog: English | Categories: Non-Erotic | Tags: past, lost, commitment, promises
It was a year ago when I bravely gave myself to someone I only talked with for a short time.
And in two months, we only meet for a few times. Then, I let him go. Felt like, we just fucked each other. Yeah, I know.
However, I don't want to regret any second that I'm with you. I treasured all the memories and the emotions I felt because I know how genuine it was because I loved you. I hope you really loved me too, at least.
But I can not stay with you if you're already committed to someone else.
That's why I let you go even if I know you'll take with you a big part of me or it was you who will leave a deep scar in my being.
I think it was the latter. I was devastated. I missed you, or its only my memories of us deceiving me?
I miss myself.
I thought I will not enter another kind of relationshit again -- a relationship without label. I thought what we had will be the last lesson and the last kind of pain from dumbness I would allow. I thought I will not let my body be used out of lust.
I promised I will never be stupid again. I promised not to be attached with words and shitty sugarcoated actions of a jerk but then again, I failed.
What's with the "commitment" that most people fear about? Hopeless.
I don't know what to feel anymore. Didn't imagine that I will reach this point of questioning my self-worth, my value. Yes it's all my fault because I let these all happen. But...
I don't know.
Carry me wherever this flow will go.
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