Raw

September 22, 2015 (1 year ago)
Posted in Blog: English | Categories: Non-Erotic | Tags:

I am writing this because I feel I need to.

I’ve written so many things lately, some I shared publicly, some I choose to keep it private.

I am watching this movie right now on cable, and the Dad asked his daughter, if she’s happy, and i felt a pang of pain straight to my heart, it was like the question is for me.

Are you happy, Lou? I am not. I can’t pretend that i am. I am more lonely than happy.

The past year was totally depressing for me. I was handling two departments at work. I was more at home and happy with my own department which I’ve been on the help for years but when the head of the other department got sick the management handed it to me, no if’s and no buts. The people there didn’t took it nicely, well some of them but since I am Miss Nicey I kept my composure but inside I was fuming.Yeah Yeah i know i could have lambasted them with me being the boss but I opted not to, I told you I am Miss Nicey and I don’t like conflicts and I don’t want to blow up because I know i can be soo nasty. It was hell for me really, my big bosses wasn’t that supportive or maybe they thought I was fine I was totally unhappy with my work, it was eating me up, I was crying most of the time and frustrated and i got sick at some point. Early this year, there was a major revamp and I volunteered to resign but the management didn’t allow me to go and instead to take my burden they assigned someone to the other department to lessen my load. But my misery stayed on with me, I didn’t recover from the treatment I got back from the other people at work. I totally lost my confidence and my zest to do work every day.. And I hate feeling that way. I love my work but the drive isn’t there anymore. It’s like being in a relationship for so long, it’s like being routinary already and this makes me sad more. To add more of this the family is facing some issues with my brother recently and it got us all affected particularly me since we are very close. I share things to my friends but the feeling I have inside i don’t think I can actually let them feel exactly how i am torn to pieces with all these events. I often cry myself to sleep and i ask for Divine help like always. But I feel like help is a long struggle or happiness or not being sad is a struggle.

I am 43 and maybe this is a midlife crisis..is it? Or this is just what the consequences of the choices i made. I choose to keep quiet when i could have shared my opinion, I choose to let people disrespect me, I allowed people to take advantage of me because I thought we share the same vision.

I can’t undo what’s done right? I can’t go back anymore and this is why i am lonely.

Yes i am lonely. I do crazy stuff to ease it up, I do Sop’s and play with myself just to get it away from my system but it get’s lonelier more. Do I want to be with someone again, yes but they or rather he had to deal with my fuck up side and I don’t know if he’s going to survive me. I have my friends of course who keeps me secure but they have their own issues to deal with, that sometim... Read More

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Joined: March 23, 2014 (2 years old)
Writings: 30

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“I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!”
― C. JoyBell C.
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