Posted in Confession: Taglish | Categories: Reluctance | Tags: what if, could have been, would have been
Yung friendship natin ang isang bagay na hindi ko inasahan. I hoped for it, yes, but I never expected it would happen.
I remember, bagong salta pa lang ako sa FSS noon. Walang kakilala. Walang kaibigan. Walang balak makipagkaibigan. Ang gusto ko lang noon, magbasa. Ni magcomment nga, gusto ko sanang iwasan. Pero habang nagtatagal, nagbabago yung kung ano lang ang gusto kong gawin kapag naglo-log in ako sa site. Gradually, I started to post my comments, may natatanggap na rin akong PMs.
Pero even before I started being visible sa comments section, napansin na kita. Natutuwa akong basahin ang mga kulitan ninyo sa comments. Aliw akong sundan ang thread ninyo sa chatroom. But most of all, gustong-gusto kong basahin ang mga posts mo that I know describe you as the person that you are.
Oo naman, fan mo ako.
Pero I never had the guts to initiate any convo with you. Ok na ko maging silent fan mo.
Pero nung mag-post ako ng stories ko and you've graced it with your comments, it was a high for me. Yung sabi nga eh abot hanggang tenga ang ngiti ko. Pero hanggang ganun na lang yun.
Until that one comment. It started the friendship.
Yung friendship natin hindi naman classic. Uso nga ngayon yun eh. Yung friendship na may kasamang landian. May kasamang malisya (konti lang naman). Mahihiya nga si Plato eh. Pero in denial ka. Magsi-send ka ng sticker na magka-lip lock, magka-spoon, magka kung ano-ano pa, pero ang lagi mong press release sa akin: "WALANG MALISYA YAN."
I also lost count of the sticker roses you've sent me. Pero I kept it in mind, your promise, that if given the chance, you'd give me real ones.
But what I like most about it is the honesty. From Day One, di ko naman itinago na fan mo ako. Na minsan, I was wishing I'd get to know you better. And it flattered me no end to know na gusto mo rin akong makilala, maging kaibigan.
I admitted to you things about me that not even my closest friend know. Siguro kasi, virtual, mas madali sa akin mag-open up sayo. Virtual stranger. Virtual friend. That's what you are. Pero I know, hindi yun ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ako natakot sabihin sayo kung ano ba ako, kung ano ba yung nasa isip ko. O kung ano ang nasa puso ko.
As days turned into weeks since our first conversation, I found myself often thinking about you. Pero minsan, muntik na ko malaglag sa upuan nang sabihin mo out of the blue na mas madalas mo na kong iniisip. Na mas madalas mo na akong nami-miss. Siempre, yung kilig factor wagas.
Pero alam ko din, when you said it, you were simply being honest.
Kasi from Day One too, I was made aware na hindi ka pupwedeng magmahal ng higit pa bilang kaibigan. You've let me know what are your rules when it comes to relationships. Not that we are ever going to have one. At least not more than friendship. You know Im into a relationship as well.
One conversation stuck in my mind though.
You told me if Im willing to let him go, you could handle me. That you wont let me fall for you. But you would help me to get out of my relationship that you think is useless as it is hopeless. It was nice to know that you think I am smart enough to know where the boundaries should lie. But it made me wonder why you want to do that. Why you have to do that.
I dont know what caused it. What started it. But I felt the sudden aloofness. The distance that you've put. And much as I wanted to ask questions, I held myself. Sa sandaling panahon na itinuring kitang kaibigan, a very special friend if I may say so, somehow, I know, asking questions wont give me the answers I want. So I just let you be.
Until we've had that chance to talk again. Talking to you, asking questions was like testing the waters. Ang hirap ilabas kung ano ba talaga ang gusto kong sabihin. Ang gusto kong itanong. Kasi baka mali. Baka hindi naman kailangang itanong. But I took the risk. And I didnt expect you'd still be as honest as you were before. And yeah, some questions have been answered. Some I didnt take the risk to ask anymore. Sabi nga, there are words better left unsaid. Questions better left unanswered.
For now, I'm just glad to know that there's someone out there in a virtual world who has become a wonderful reality for me, a special friend who has made me feel good about myself again.
At kahit nga gusto ko mang halayin ka pa rin, sabi mo nga, somehow you can se thru me, alam mo I would never be someone who would go into one time big time trysts, or one night stands. Somehow you know, it would alwa... Read More