Posted in Blog: English | Categories: Non-Erotic | Tags: love, death, girl author, dropdeaddiva
My eyes crept open slowly fluttering. I felt my hand rise in front of my vision, blocking the streaks of sunshine pushing its way between the leaves of overgrown trees.
Blinded for a moment, I closed my eyes and took one deep breath. The balcony had always been my favorite part of our house.
My eyes opened again. This time engulfing more intricate details of my location. Birds were chirping just loudly enough for me to feel safe. The air was warm and calming.
I turned off every stray thought basking in the 180-degree view of the beauty around me. The sky is as blue as it had always been. And I knew this is where I wanted to be right now.
And I let the nature around me fill me up – fill all my empty spaces.
It keeps me standing still. And smiling.
And the last thing I want is to let all this pass by without knowing with complete certainty that I cherished it and let it fully develop into its fullest form inside of me. It lets me go. Nothing exists except that moment.
There is something to be said about days like this one. When everything feels like it is possible. When I feel like I do not have to shrink into the expectations I have made for myself. Like I myself can burst out of them.
And there’s something to be said about how you can fall in love with a snapshot of right now. When everything touches your five senses and how you don’t question their imperfections but fall in love with their flaws.
And I wondered how long I have been standing here. It must have been a long time for I feel the weight of my knees starting to give in.
And as I slowly breathed air in I began to smell the most gorgeous of fragrances I ever had the pleasure of losing myself in.
All at once I felt my eyes snap shut. I forced another full inhale and filled my lungs with the scent of him.
Him – the man I love with all my heart.
I do not even know how and where to begin to describe him and if I do describe him, will my words do him justice?
I could say he is a paradox beyond my mind’s comprehension.
I could say he is an interesting book I had been wanting to get my hands on, to caress every page, to touch, to turn, and to read over and over again.
I could say he is a Rubik cube that I am dying to figure out, to finally get all colors in its place.
I could say he is a new favorite song that plays in my mind like a broken record.
I could say he is a French indie film with words I couldn’t fathom but fell into a deep state of infatuation.
Ah, but he is all that and more.
All that and more. From day one.
I was on my way to my favorite place minding my own business and not expecting anything unexpected.
I had my earphones plugged in my ears.
I was about to cross the road foolishly to get to the coffee shop.
I didn’t hear the blasting loud horn.
All I could hear was my heavy metal music on full volume.
So when I felt hands yanking me backwards I let out a big yelp.
Someone pulled me back to safety.
My heart started beating way too quickly and I couldn’t breathe for a moment.
And all I could do was look into my savior’s brown eyes.
“Oh my.” I said letting out a huge breath.
We still looked into each other’s eyes but this time, I felt him smile.
“Thank you.” I let out in a low whisper. I really didn’t know what else to say. He saved my life. Why did he save my life? How?
“Thank God you’re okay,” he mumbled more so to himself. I was confused at this but it made me smile.
He smiled back not letting me go. His grip got gentler though.
We just looked at each other, and I pictured us on the street in bird’s eye view, gazing at one another… simply in unspoken love.
And he is my savior.
He pulled me out from darkness and my lack of identity.
He saved me.
I was a nobody before I met him.
With him, I became somebody.
I became his.
I am no angel.
But I have fallen for one.
He kept the voices at bay.
And he has kept me afloat and sane despite everything that I went through.
Twenty steps from the balcony to the bed he and I shared.
Twenty steps kept me from the love of my life.
Twenty. Nineteen. Eighteen.
He’d be awake now.
Seventeen. Sixteen. Fifteen.
Maybe I’ll wake him with a kiss. He likes waking up to my kisses.
Fourteen. Thirteen. Twelve.
Or maybe I’ll wake him up with something else. He will like that even more.
Eleven. Ten. Nine.
I smiled with the thought and started my way back inside.
Eight. Seven. Six.
“Wake up sleepyhead.” I called out as I neared the bed.
Still no response.
I felt it then. That sinking feeling that something bad happened.
I stepped on something hard and metallic on the foot of the bed.
It was my letter opener. I bent down and picked it up.
It was when I noted the dried red color staining the once clean metallic surface that my heart suddenly slowed its beating.
Oh my god!
And it was when I finally saw the blood that stained my fingers that I knew something horrible happened.
What have I done?
What have I done?
“You killed him!” An all-too familiar voice shouted in my head.
No! That’s a lie.
“You killed him!” The voice insisted.
No, he’s not dead. He can’t be dead. He’s just sleeping.
“He’s dead! He’s dead and you killed him!” The voice rang louder now.
Why would I kill the man I love? Why would I end the life of the man I swore to love for all eternity?
It was then that I saw it. The crumpled bloodied piece of paper that lay by his side.
I picked it up and that’s when everything came back to me.
It was a note in somebody else’s handwriting. “Hello Love. Same time. Same place.”
And I finally remembered what happened.
I read that note. I felt my chest tighten. I started to get short of breath. The tears started flowing down my cheeks.
I felt the monsters in my head take over and started pulling me into the black abyss.
The black hole seemingly opened wider and wider and started to swallow me whole.
And I let myself sunk deep into the hole for there was nowhere else to go.
It was like finding solace in the darkness even if that didn’t make any sense at all.
I reached out for the letter opener and I let the monsters took over.
Ten steps separated me from the man who promised himself to me.
Ten. Nine. Eight.
The man who swore to love me until his dying breath.
Seven. Six. Five.
The man who said he will never leave.
Four. Three. Two.
The love of my life.
I tightened my grip on my murder weapon.
Ah, but he looked so calm when he sleeps. Like an angel. My angel.
I bent over and gave him a hard kiss on the lips.
“Together forever, babe.”
And I stabbed him through his heart.
Him and me.
“Just like your mother… when she killed your father.” The voice whispered.
“And just like your grandmother… when she killed your grandfather.” The voice added.
It doesn’t matter.
Everything’s all right now.
Everything will be fine.
And so I slowly laid myself beside the man I promised to love.
“For better or worse, my darling.
For richer or poorer.
In sickness and in health.
But I won’t let death keep you and me apart.
Here. Here is where they will find me.
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