Feb 13th

February 13, 2017 (7 months ago)
Posted in Blog: Tagalog | Categories: Non-Erotic | Tags: , , , , ,

pagpasensyahan na. hahahaha.

i know it has been three years and i told myself na nakamove-on na ko sa past online relationship ko.

yep. online.

i'm such a scaredy cat to even hold hands with a guy, even sa mga friends ko. so i only had online relationships.

pathetic 'no?

he was the guy who i never dreamed to fall in love with.

we met online somewhere in the internet, while letting myself mingle with online strangers to ease up my boredom with life, while i was having a break from college.

he told me how much he liked me, at ako naman 'tong si naive, naniwala.

gaga, no? xD

konting ayaw ayaw ko lang sa way na makipag-chat sa'kin, byebye na.

pero, there's something with him na nag-urge saken na kilalain pa sya, kaya nung tinanong nya ko kung pwede kami magkaroon ng relationship, i said "yes."

i liked him at that time.

i liked the way he encouraged me to keep up with my chem. eng'g program, tapos tsaka ko i-pursue ang psychiatry.

i liked the way we talked through calls and have a "barkada-like" conversations kahit na gustong-gusto nya na maglambing saken, kasi alam nyang di ako sanay sa mga ganun.

i liked one time na muntik na syang makarating sa bahay namin kung nandun lang din ako, nasa probinsya kasi ako that time.

i liked the way he showed me thru photos yung mga pinaprint nyang photos ko, and he posted them sa wall sa room nya.

hahahahahahahah. shit.

dapat we would meet on my first day back sa uni, execute our plans on our dates, i would sing while he plays his guitar, introduce each other sa friends, magsimba sa mga churches namin (JIL sya, catholic ako), etc.

when one time, he dropped the first bomb.

"papayagan mo ba ko pumunta sa japan?"

ang sinabi nya lang sa'kin, inaaya sya ng biological father nya na sumama sa kanya and mag-migrate.

sabi ko, "yes, of course, kasi opprtunity rin yan sayo, para makasama mo rin dad mo."

"kung quezon city at makati nga lang na LDR okay kami e, PH at JP pa?", yan ang sinasabi ko sa sarili ko, everytime na malulungkot ako habang naiisip kong aalis sya.

tapos kinausap din ako ng bestfriend nya. sabi nya wag daw akong pumayag. kaya pa naman nya daw ng gamot para makahintay ng donor.

what donor?

one week after nya di magparamdam he finally told me what's going on.

meron s'yang butas sa puso. overexhaustion kaya na-ospital.

i was really sad, sabi ng bestfriend nya kelanagan na daw talaga nya ng transplant.

so ako tong si tanga, pinilit na syang umalis.

and thats when his parents' hatred to me started.

umalis sya nang di kami nagkita. he only bid goodbye through call.

we continued our relationship, kahit nung bago sya umalis nakikipag-break na sya saken kasi mahirap daw ang ganitong setup.

pero sabi ko kaya natin to, wag tayong bibitaw.

we were talking less and less, though we leave each other a message or two saying "i miss you, i love you."

untill one time na pareho kaming hindi busy, magka-chat kami pero we dont say something much to each other.

nag-effort ako na i-kwento mga nangyayari saken, and he... he wasn't saying anything about his life there.

and we were like that for months.

hanggang sa nag-email saken bestfriend nya, blaming me for whats happening to him.

ang sabi nya, mula daw ng naging kami, puro kamalasan na lang daw ang nangyari sa kanya, na-bankrupt dad nya at naging alcoholic, tapos sya na daw naging breadwinner ng pamilya at the age of 18, high school student. labas-pasok na rin ng ospital kasi he couldn't afford buying his meds.... etc.

so ako, wala. wala ako mapagsabihan ng nasa loob ko. hindi ako makaiyak kasi marami din akong dapat harapin sa buhay ko.

i waited for him to tell me things.

pero wala, hindi sya nagsabi.

so i dropped the bomb this time: i broke up with him.

i broke up with him kasi napaka-thick na ng wall between us, na after 2 years ng relasyon namin, we grew up and change just individually.

and i was expecting him to take me back.

but he didn't.

instead, he told me why should we separate our ways -- he just couldn't take na i'share nya saken ang mga burden na pinapasan nya, more than pa sa mga sinabi ng best friend nya sakin.

shit.

masakit kasi nag-i love you sya saken bago sya mag-offline, indicating that our last conversation has ended. and he did't get to read my response.

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