Posted in Confession: Taglish | Categories: First Time | Tags: FSS 5th monthsary
"Thank you for the broken heart...." ......goes the lyrics of a certain song.
Yes, five months ago today, MLC was born sa mundo ng FSS. Thanks to someone who broke my heart and made me cry hard all those countless days and nights not so long ago.
I can still remember those nights na bigla nalang akong bumangon para mag-open ng FB to check if he had replied to my messages, only to be disappointed. And before I knew it nag-bblur na naman ang paningin ko dahil sa mga luhang pumapatak galing sa aking pagod ng mga mata.
Those weekends na pinipilit kong iwasan ang lahat na mga "lugar" na dati "naming pinupuntahan".
And it was one of those weekends nung may nang-invite sa akin to join FSS. I was so desperate to find ways to divert myself from that nagging pain that was pushing me to the edge of my sanity kaya without any second thought, I clicked that link.
And so here I am, for five months, baring my soul to the people I haven't really met in person.
Before I joined FSS I was not really into reading Tagalog erotic stories. Paminsan-minsan lang kapag gusto kong magpainit and it was thru an erotic FB page "Masarap kung kainin, heaven ang mararating".
Yeah, you got me! Dyan ako napapasuko and hell yeah, I do love it kapag kinakain ako. Well, who doesn't anyway?
So my first day sa FSS was spent sa chatroom. Doon ako dinala nung nang-invite sa akin. Na-meet ko agad ang mga tanders and one of them became my first crush. Haha!
Pano ko nga ba naging crush si padz? Hmmmm... It was because of a blog that I posted sa kabilang site (which I didn't know then na member din pala si padz dun). The rebound guy blog that I wrote. Yeah, I was so heartbroken to the extent na kung may nagseryoso nga sa blog ko noon baka napalipad na ako pauwi just to be fucked really hard at ng makalimutan saglit ang sakit na naramdaman ko that time.
So nabasa ni padz ang blog kong yon and it was I guess the start of our bulungan. Haha! Ako naman sobrang emo and a newbie as I was na binigyan ng attention ng isang "mainstay" ay nahulog agad. But the crush thingy was short-lived, like one week or two I guess ksi I could feel na ayaw ni padz sa akin. Simple lang din naman ang prinsipyo ko sa buhay, kapag ayaw wag pilitin.
But in fairness naman kay padz, he became a good friend which was what I badly needed during that time. Hindi ko kasi masabi sa bff ko ang buong story and what I had gone thru at tiyak na masermon ako ng todo. So I kept the pain all to myself nung time na yon.
And so since ayaw ni padz, I moved on... To the next guy...
Kay Casanova naman was thru palitan namin ng mga comments. Wala pa kasi masyadong makukulit noon so kami lang ang laging nagkukulitan. And before I knew it naramdaman kong lagi ko nang inaabangan ang mga sagot nya sa comments ko. Si SonofM was my "guidance counselor" that time. Sa kanya ko sinabi na may crush ako kay Panyero. And the "makulit" in me persisted, ako ang unang bumulong kay Panyero na I was falling for him. Hahaha!
Yeah, I know it's not really a girl's thing pero I am not the typical Maria Clara that you meet every day. Ako yong tipo ng babae who doesn't want to live in "what-ifs". So I confessed to crush number 2 how I felt. The hopeless romantic in me kicked in, but the sensible and the malibog in him tossed me back to realiti-dom.
Casanova told me that the distance between us was the big deal-breaker. Yes, may possibility nga na magkita kami but when? And add to that, and in his own words "I need a real pussy and you need a real dick."
I was crushed by my 2nd crush that I even declared a cold war, hindi ko sya kinausap ng one week. That was my way of getting him out of my system. And the next thing I knew, naging bff ko sya after nung cold war na yon. And we remain as such until now.
In between my two crushes nagsimula na din akong magsulat. Started with one-liner blogs until I decided to try how far could I go on the real literary world.
It was Kuya (Paul_6506) who helped me with my first story, "SEB Na Nauwi Sa Isang Mainit na Relasyon". Sabi nga ni som, what better way to start your writing career but to write your own story. Alam ko pinahirapan ko si Kuya nun, hindi lang sa pag-iisip pano isulat ang gusto kong plot but higit sa lahat alam kong tinigasan sya that time at hindi man lang ako gumawa ng paraan para ma-relieve sya sa kanyang discomfort habang kinukwento ko sa kanya ang mga nangyari. Hehe! (Sorry na kuya, alam ko ang sama ko noon. Babawi nalang ako kapag may time. *grins*)
And so finally nakaget over din ako kay Casanova. And I moved on.. To crush number 3.
Minsan lang kaming nagkatagpo ni PT sa chatroom at nagkasagutan ng poems sa isang blog kaya hindi ko alam kung bakit naging crush ko sya. Basta ang alam ko lang one morning napuno ang isang post-it ko sa kakasulat ko sa name nya. Even when I was in a meeting, a page in my notes was filled with scribblings, all his name then may heart pa. Haha! Parang HS crush thingy lang ang drama ko.
Ewan, maybe dahil programmer sya (and I have this thing about programmers/developers even before. They just seem to lure me into their man-caves, nerdy as they are.). And maybe dahil halos magkasing-edad lang kami (or that's what I think) and maybe dahil ang hirap nyang abutin. I have this weird habit of falling for someone na hard-to-get.
Sa case ni PT, I never told him how I felt then (but I'm sure ngayon alam na nya dahil sa confession ko na to) pero madami akong naisulat para sa kanya. In fact, my first poem, "Pangarap" was written because and for him. Both "Pantasya" and "Pagkahumaling" were also written with PT playing games inside my head. And he was also the person behind my first fiction story that I posted thru my confession "Ikaw at Ang Aking Malikot na Imahinasyon".
"Obsession" was the last post that I wrote for PT. Although I had gotten over that obsession thingy but he never fails to make my day whenever he replies to my queries which occurs once in a blue moon, kapag meron lang talaga akong gustong malaman about sa technicalities sa site.
And so I failed in all three of them, and the funny thing was naging crush ko silang tatlo without me getting a glimpse of their faces! Yes, you heard me right. I fell for all three "imaginary men". Well, that is the MLC way of falling in love or in crush, whatever that was called.
So since my puso failed me for the nth time, I decided to follow my puson.
Even before, takot ako sa bulungan at sa pm, not because I dun want to know the person or I dun want to talk to him but because I dun trust myself. Madali akong mahulog lalo na kung ang kausap ko ay hindi lang puro libog ang laman ng utak. But there was this one guy na nakapalitan ko na ng comments sa mga stories nya at sa mga stories ko who was so persistent that after weeks of pursuing me ay napapayag din nya akong ma-add sya sa Viber.
Siya si Jake sa story kong "Sa Uulitin" at sya din ang laman sa poem kong "Panunukso".
He was my "playmate" for a while and he taught me a lot of things, hindi lang sa kalibugan but also realities in life. He gives me advices, even until now, and I treasure his wisdom. Siguro dahil he is older than me kaya parang big bro figure ang tingin ko sa kanya.
Although I have to admit magaling syang magpalibog (just like in his stories) but the "play" thing between us had stopped nung naramdaman kong nagseselos na ako sa mga kwento nya. I knew I was falling for him kaya I did the only thing that could save me, I built a wall between us. I deleted his number and never replied to his messages until such time na I was sure I was over him and that was when "playmate" number 2 came in.
Si B1 minsan ng nag-comment sa isa sa mga stories ko and I thought that was it until Paul Walker died and he saw my avatar. That started our exchange of pms until this day. Hindi ko playmate si B1 in its strictest sense, pero we have our own way of teasing and making each other horny sa inbox.
There was a time na medyo nagkasamaan kami ng loob and that prompted me to write my blogs, "U ok?" and "Till My Heart Beats Again". Sya din ang lalake sa story kong "Pahiram". We talked about meeting sa March, sana matupad para naman ma-meet ko ang kaisa-isang lalakeng taga FSS na tumangging makipag-make love sa akin because of his love for his wife. (Saludo ako sayo dun, B1.)
Si B1 din ang nag-request na isulat ko ang aking karanasan with my cousin. Yes, totoo ang kwento kong "Ang Pinsan Kong Si Paul". Although I had tagged it as a fiction story but the love-making and the romance which makes up the whole plot are all true. Ang hindi lang totoo dun were the names and some of the situations which I had to change to protect na din those other people involved. Judge me all you want but sabi ko nga, this is my effing life and this is the path that I chose to walk on.
Well, tao lang ako at paminsan-minsan tumataas ang libido level to the extent na maghahanap ako ng kahalay, sa phone or SOP kung tawagin. Alam ko hindi ako magaling dyan kasi I am not into dirty talks. Hindi pa din ako comfortable beyond the words fuck, syet, ang sarap mo. Ang kelangan ko lang minsan marinig ang moans ng isang lalake at tyak ambilis kong lalabasan nun. So that's where playmate number 3 fitted in.
Nakakalibog talaga ang moans nya and he even helped me get over my dilemma that time na nag-sub z-e-r-o ang libido level ko. He is smart and even at a young age he amazes me with his wits. Lacking of experience as he is but he did his best while we were into it. Although the play thing didn't last that long due to the obvious reason that we were in a May-December affair, but it was worth it. Until this day, he remains as one of my close friends na taga FSS and he is one of the few people who knows my real name.
Then I remember I posted a confession of how bored I was and that I was looking for a cyber fubu. Andaming nag-reply sa confession na yon but I got cold feet when I finally read their messages. Not that no one "passed" my taste but I dun know who to choose, sa isip ko baka magkamali pa ako ng pipiliin. So I ended up closing the comment box with a message of thanks sa mga nag-reply. And I actually forgot all about it until this one guy sent me a pm re my cyber fubu post.
It was funny how we started. I had expected him to be the extra horny type of guy ksi he responded to my fubu post but it turned out he is the type of guy na sobra ang respeto sa isang babae to the extent na feeling ko tuloy I am not appealing enough para tigasan sya.
Alam mo yong feeling na gusto mo ng maghubad para gahasain ang lalake pero sya sobrang pigil sa sarili and instead na patulan ka sa yong kalibugan ay bubuhusan ka pa ng tubig na may ice? Yon si Kamahalan. So I gave him what he wanted. We talked about almost everything except sex, from work stuff to gimik with the boys, from TV shows to favorite food, basta just about anything wag lang about sex.
Later on though medyo naging comfortable na sya to talk about it but not really the hard core thingy. And he even teased me na matapang lang daw ako sa FSS. Well, he is kinda right. Tamad lang kasi ako talaga makipag-SOT kaya bihira akong makipaghalay. (But mind you, Kamahalan, mas matapang ako sa personal. *winks*)
So sans the hard core thingy, we are still friends sa Viber ni Kamahalan and we tease each other from time to time. I also hope to meet him come March but I am not sure if that's gonna happen considering his work schedule and his location.
So there goes my FSS life for the past five months since I became a member.
What happens from today onwards or until March would be another chapter of my FSS book of erotic pages.
Am I a kiss and tell? I dun think s... Read More